What are some funny quotes that you know?

Heres on by Chris Rock:

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?”

lawl that is so funny

yusssss the best rapper IS a white guy

My grandpa always used to say:

A pessimist complains about the noise when opportunity comes knocking.

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very low crime rate."

- Mayor of Washington

"If you're not wasted, the day is."

The killer does not account for the one who killed him

"I could've eaten Alphabits and crapped out a better essay!!"

"If you want to win a football match you need to score goals"
- Liverpool manager

Sherlip wrote:

"If you're not wasted, the day is."

Lawl!

"Life is very important to Americans"
- Bob Dole

No one's posting any more?!

"I haven't committed a crime. All I did was fail to comply with the law."
- Mayor of New York City

"Why did the dinosaurs die out"
"Because you touch yourself at night"

I wasn't sure which one to put it in.

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car." -Anonymous

"A child is born, with no state of mind, blind to the ways of mankind. God is smiling on you, but He's frownin' too, because only God knows what you go through."
- Grandmaster Flash, "The Message"

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
- president of France

Lol BA.

"Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality." -Clifton Fadiman.

"Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!" -Homer Simpson

"Bart i just lost $250 000 dollars"
"I thought it was 50 000 dollars"
"I was gonna bet it on the dogs"
-Bart and Homer Simpson

"I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them."
- George W. Bush

Lawl BA.

"Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much." -Oscar Wilde

"An optimist will tell you the glass is half-full; the pessimist, half-empty; and the engineer will tell you the glass is twice the size it needs to be." -Anonymous

"As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two..." -Sir Norman Wisdom

Scientists say because of global warming they expect the world's oceans to rise four and a half feet. The scientists say this can mean only one thing - Gary Coleman is going to drown.
-- Conan OBrien

"Before i die, Lisa i want you know that, you ugly and your adopted"
Bart Simpson

"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon